Sure it may be hard to imagine what these poor developers have done to deserve this kind of treatment. But you should trust me that they do. I’m a man of the cloth; I’m to be awarded a certain amount of trust. The fact is that now that I have spent tens of hours of my life trying to scratch and claw my way up the all time leader boards. And that’s time I can’t get back. There are also a lot of very terrible things I have screamed at my cat. Comments that cannot be unsaid either. His ego is very fragile and he has been bumming around the house ever since.

I’m sick of his downright depressing demeanor and his stupid calico fur, all matted and filthy. He looks like a hobo cat. Yet in my heart of hearts I don’t have it in me to throw him out of the house for being a smelly bum cat. No. I can’t, because of this goddamn game. It’s flashy fucking lights, and explosions and addictive scoring system seem to be keeping me far too busy to allow the free time to bother to bathe the animal I loved enough to pay $40 bucks for him to, ironically enough a hobo. $40 bucks took an incredibly long time to put together given the fact that my wallet is packed to the brim with hundred dollars bills but that’s neither here nor there.

You know how many money power-ups it takes to earn $40 dollars in Beat Hazard Ultra? Like 4. It takes ten seconds to get that in any song on any difficulty and now all of a sudden you’re way more pretend rich and well on your way to earning one of the perks that gives Beat Hazard Ultra its ultra moniker. A bunch of stupid power ups like missiles and shields and a whole bunch of other cool crap that makes the game about a million times cooler than plain old pedestrian Beat Hazard and that game was pretty sweet. Imagine that game with Call of Duty’s perk system slammed in there like a salami into an ugly girl on the internet

Speaking of sticking things in places, the best part about Beat Hazard Ultra is that all I had to do to get it was slap five bucks onto the base game and all of a sudden the great music based twin-stick shooter magically got all dolled up like it was going out on the town to pick up some fresh dick, with all new features to boot. I slapped five dollars onto my cat and all it did was try to bite my face so I threw my Onza controller at it. Not because I really thought that it would take my cat who was already a solid 8 and turn him into a 10 like $5 bucks did to Beat Hazard. I did it because I was mad as hell because I could not pass the Electric Wizard song I was playing and my cat was making a distracting face.

God I hate my cat. I hate Beat Hazard Ultra too.

I’m just kidding. I love you Phillip R. Clockenheimer.

Even if you one hobo ass looking pussy.

Now for the next review! This one has pictures and such, it's also quite long, but no profanity.

Team Fortress 2 Review
By Ben Cogburn

Team Fortress 2 (TF2) is a multiplayer first person shooter that came out in 2007 and was the highly anticipated sequel to the original Team Fortress. Valve decided to go on a different route with the artistic style going from a more realistic look to a cartoonier look. Since it has been out for a while the learning curve, for newcomers, may be a bit tough and frustrating. However, since Team Fortress 2 is now FREE (that’s right…FREE!!) there are more noob servers and even a coaching system where one can learn from experienced members. There is a lot you can do in TF2 with several game modes, team classes, and a fairly extensive crafting system.

Game Modes

There are several game modes: Capture the Flag, Capture point, King of the Hill, Payload, and Arena. Capture the flag is just as it sounds. Each team’s goal is to capture the enemy’s intelligence from their opponent’s base of operations. Each team will have to play both offense and defense at the same time and be able to coordinate both in order to win. Capture point is also as it sounds. There are several neutral points that, when stood in by you team, will become yours. Once you capture all points, the round is over. King of the hill is a different form of Capture point in which there is a single point that must be captured for a specific amount of time. First team to reach this time wins. Payload is by far my favorite mode. Here, there is one team on defense and the other on offense. Defense just has to ensure that the cart, aka payload, does not reach the final point. If they successfully stop cart movement for 25 seconds, it will begin to move backwards until it reaches the last point captured. The offensive team must move the cart through the map to the enemy base. Along the way, there are capture points that work like checkpoints meaning that once you move past the point, the cart will not move behind it. Arena is a much less played game mode yet can be a refreshing break from the other modes. It is a team deathmatch mode where you can win by either eliminating the other team or eventually capturing a central control point that is activated after a certain amount of time into the game. Once you die you cannot respawn until a new round is initiated.

There are nine classes one can choose from: Sniper, Scout, Spy, Medic, Heavy, Demoman, Pyro, Soldier, and Engineer. Each class can have three weapons: Primary, Secondary, and Melee. The scout is an offensive class who is fast, can double jump, but is very weak. The sniper is primarily a support class who can easily pick off heavy-medic combos with some well placed head shots. The spy is also a support character. His ability to cloak or become invisible as well as his ability to disguise as the enemy makes him a formidable foe if played right. The medic is the supreme support class with the ability to make or break a game. He has the ability to heal teammates and even give them an ubercharge or invulnerability for a short period of time. The heavy is considered to be a defensive class but when played right (especially with a medic combo) the heavy can do wonders on offense. He has a minigun but is extremely slow and vulnerable while shooting it. The Demoman is also a defensive class with the ability to equip sticky bombs to protect the intel, payload, or capture point from enemies. The Pyro has the ability to burn people who stay on fire for a few seconds after initial contact and is burn-resistant himself. His air-blast is a great way to clear people from control points or payloads. The Soldier is an offensive class with a rocket launcher and horn that gives nearby allies a boost of strength once charged up. Lastly, the Engineer is a defensive class with the ability to set up turrets, supply centers, and even teleporters.

Crafting

Although the idea of being able to craft new weapons and hats is great, Valve has fallen short with TF2’s way of doing things. The interface used to be fairly straight forward but with a recent update has become a tedious, frustrating, and all together arduous task. Players receive in-game random “drops” that may consist of a hat, weapon, or utterly useless crate. Crates require a key to open which costs $2.49 in the in-game store so most people just delete them after they begin to take up space in their inventory. Extra weapons are used to craft metals which can then in turn be used to create other better weapons or hats. Although some items may require upwards of 72 items to craft into metal, and since what you get can be random (hat-wise), it may not be worth crafting in the end anyway. However, Valve did introduce a new trading system with a recent update which is a godsend. This allows players to trade their extra inventory for another player’s item. So instead of crafting up to 72 items, one can merely trade 1-3 items for it from somebody else.

Overall

There is a lot to talk about and do in Team Fortress 2 and I just barely covered the nitty-gritty basics. This game is super fun whether or not you know the people you are playing with. There are plenty of game modes (and even modded servers) to keep it fresh and there are always servers with plenty of people on them at any time of day. It is the best free-to-play game out there and continues to be one of the most played games on Steam. Did I mention it was Free?